SINGLE DADS ROCK!!!

AN AMAZING SINGLE DADS’ GROUP IN KOLKATA SPEAK ON THEIR CHALLENGES, INSECURITIES AND BONDING

Well, they are not like Tom Hanks of Sleepless in Seattle or Will Freeman of About A Boy, hunting down the town or joining single parent’s groups to get their daughters a new mother. Instead, an amazing bunch of single dads in the city have set up a group that meets once in a while to help them become the great daddy-mommy combo to their doting daughters. 

Arnab Dasgupta,  Tirtha Chatterjee, Gaurav Sengupta and Randhir Gupta, quite often kick up a storm over a plate of fowl cutlet at Mitra Café or at a Coffee Shop round the corner, not to discuss about job life or pretty women, but to brainstorm on issues impacting their teenage daughters and how to tackle the problems if any. They are a bunch of single dads who chose to remain single instead of getting new mothers to their daughters.

They had all met by chance and by a twist of fate they became the best of buddies, starting off the Single Dads Group more as a necessity. Arnab first met Tirtha, fondly known as Tintin at the gym and while interacting, realised they both were single parents. While, Tintin came across Gaurav hunting for a decent creche for his daughter and the trio became a team. Gaurav bumped into Randhir or Randy on a business trip. Small world, but the great dads met and decided to start off meeting on and often as a means to cope with the various problems that a dad single-handedly raising a kid in India might face. It was like buddy bonding, it was like sharing your insecurities, like tying a bond where least it was supposed to be. 

All the dads have demanding sales jobs. So finding time to meet, itself is a challenge. “We meet mostly once a month usually on a Friday evening. We have been out along with our children too a couple of times, when they are free. Over the years, these dads have realised that being a single parent is tougher than being a single dad. The whole dimension changes when one is a single father specially to a growing daughter.

As the Single Dads Group puts in: “Things are more edgy for single fathers as men lack the suave competency of a mother at large. We often discuss daily challenges and their innovative solutions. We are at a threshold where our daughters are going through emotional and physical changes, they are growing teenagers mostly and as a male counterpart to a ‘mother’, we keep on rapidly adapting ourselves to those changes and make ourselves better parents.” The discussions mostly include educating each other about the approach to train their daughters on subjects like ‘good and bad touch,’ explaining their financial limitations so that they can cope with peer pressure, substance or other abuse, abstain using profane language and most importantly trying to educate them with their limited acquired knowledge to get ready for the first step into womanhood which the four of them term as ‘The various stages of changing diapers.’

But well, every household needs a woman anyway. And the single dads do get the support of their mothers who are a sort of default mothers to their grand daughters. “But definitely they are old now and what should we do when they pass away is a big question these days!” adds one of the members.

The group members also have another challenge, financial insecurity. Despite being eligible professionals, all of them had to make a lot of adjustments (they don’t use the word sacrifice, as they believe it demeans the entire purpose of parenting) in careers and settle for jobs which would enable them to give more time to groom their daughters and try and be physically present with them as much as possible, a work that is usually done by mothers in our society. In the process they had to give up lucrative jobs and fat salaries, something that daddies out in India living within a complete family circle hardly have ever done. When the purse strings tighten, the basic lifestyle has to remain the same. At times, it's a big challenge trying to explain to the kids why their dads can’t give them an expensive holiday that their friends so often enjoy.

Insecurities also include getting prepared for behavioural changes of their daughters, coping up with endless questions on uncomfortable topics including sex, getting prepared as better mentors, to tame the rebellious streak of budding teenagers without losing cool, playing the Fragile Mother's role and lastly getting prepared to accept the blame that if their mothers were around, they could have been better trained and counselled. 

Indian Society took centuries to accept the concept of Single Mothers. Single Father is a rarity because most of the fathers are considered as epitome of achievement by virtue of being a male child and taught by the society that a man's job is never to rear a child. The very thought of rearing a child by a man alone sends shivers. But if one has the conviction like these dads have that 'its my child and it’s my duty to rear them,' then they can definitely handle a child better than their counterparts in the West. Infrastructure support is however lacking in our country at large in terms of creche, day boarding etc.

And yes these dads have given up their desires for the sake of their daughters. As Arnab puts in: “I expect my child to be a normal sane human being who would possess the capability of judging what's good or bad for her. I would like her to be independent to take appropriate decisions for herself.  Relationships didn't work for any of us although we did give our best shot trying to give a complete family to them. The four of us have lived our life at 40 and have no regrets. If being single, brings solace to our daughters and they feel secure, we are happy being so. We just want our children to be happy and will never allow our desires to come in the way.”

But, they will not hold their children back at old age. “Our job is to prepare them to fly high, to meet their aspirations in life rather than cage them. Personally, I have no regrets in life. I have hugged loneliness & celibacy long back as my lone companion. A priest long back told me at a church in Athens  Had God given a fair chance to your daughter, she could have chosen better parents on her own. The least you should try is to prove your worth as a parent.

And that’s what these single dads are doing for sure.