SANTA DIVORCED

(Mrs Claus sends divorce papers, claims Santa exploited her and never gave her due recognition)

Breaking News! Now that Christmas is over and Rudolph the Reindeer happily grazed along, resting his tired bones, Santa munched away at the left-over cookies that Mrs Claus baked for the Christmas goodies. But a bang on his door broke his reverie and tore apart his peaceful world.

Mrs Claus has sent him mutual divorce papers deciding to break their seven hundred and nineteen years of togetherness and apparently didn’t even ask for alimony. She just wanted freedom from the man who was highly in demand all across the world. Impossible, Unbelievable!!!!

Santa racked his brains to find out what suddenly went wrong; how could a docile housewife, who half of the world didn’t even know had existed, and who diligently served him all these years without any complaint could suddenly turn hostile and take up such a drastic decision!

“No doubt, I tried stopping her nagging mother from staying with us too often, that complaining wretched old woman! She was always after my life. She never wished her daughter to marry a fat lazy man like me and thought Mrs Claus would find some Prince Charming,” recalled Santa. “I am sure she must have provoked her daughter to break away,” he sobbed helplessly. Or, was it that he made her work late nights to meet the rising demands of the Christmas market. Or may be she found a new man, while he was away on his tours. “Oh that’s a remote possibility, which Mr Bond will suddenly land up in this village covered with snow, no no that can’t be, Mrs Claus is so old now,” Santa lamented. His cries brought Rudolph and the elves running to his rescue.

Meaty, the chocolate elf, who loved gorging on any meat dish that came his way felt he was to blame. “Oh lord Santa, punish me, I am so sorry,” Meaty was in a weeping spree. “I had asked her to visit India.” Santa was aghast.

Apparently Mrs Claus took a terrible feminist approach to life after a recent secret trip to India where she saw a special screening of Bollywood movies starting from KJO’s Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna to Queen, though her prime intention was to enjoy the lovely tropical sun. She needed a break from staring at the ripples of white snow at her North Pole home. How tired and bored she felt.

She had the sun and sea of Mediterranean in mind. India was never an option, after all who would wish to visit the second most populous country in the world? And with the increasing terrorist threats to India, she had no wish to get ripped off by some suicide bomber. She wanted fun and freedom.

But her elves had hinted last year that Santa himself was giving a lot of attention to India. The country was giving him a very good sales record, India turned out to be one of the largest markets for Christmas goodies and gifts. Though Christians happened to be a minority there, Indians had a very big heart indeed and they loved all festivals, after all winter was the best season to enjoy. And though the government this year round declared Christmas Day as Good Governance Day, the countrymen gave a damn and bought all his home-made cookies cakes and gifts with a vengeance. Santa had even smuggled in some special wine and ale to entertain the young adults. 

Even this year round the sales figures were one of the highest in India. So to keep his bank accounts rolling Santa gave more time to India than to any other country. But, Mrs Claus had heard otherwise. One of her elves informed that Santa brought back lovely calendars from India last year. “Calendars!” wondered Mrs Claus. What does he need them for? He just needs to know one date and that’s 24^th December midnight. Curious, Mrs Claus had raided Santa’s bag and to her utter disgust she discovered pictures of sexy dusky Indian beauties in bikinis popping from every page. When confronted, Santa said a white-bearded man gifted him the calendars to be distributed among the residents of the North Pole and other countries he would visit. It was a sort of publicity gimmick, the man was confident if his calendars reached lands that were out-of-bounds so long, they would sell well and he could use the money to bail out his airlines! Mrs Claus refused to believe one word. Calendar business and airlines, how can they go hand in hand?

So, she needed to find out the truth herself. The North Pole Diaries had hardly any mention of Indian women. But her mother had given her an age-old book about the women in India, and somehow she could relate herself to such women who served their husbands and children at home just like she herself did, spending her golden years, making toys, looking after the fir trees waking up for hours. She even cared for the reindeers, made cookies with the elves. She had never asked for any credit, and Santa never offered her any. Mrs Claus hated one-night stands, divorces and re-marriages. She could somehow relate to the patibrata naari mentioned in the book.

But once she landed in Mumbai (for that’s where Santa had the largest business accounts) she was in for a rude shock. The country was now swept by feminist movements and women’s rights groups. She was so influenced by their ideologies, that she started asking herself: “Why should I remain married to a fat man like Santa Claus who has never taken any interest in diet or exercise and who never helped me cook a meal or clean the house? Were these just the work for women? Even the Indian ad-world was showing stay-home dads with their women going on jobs while their husbands taking care of kids and the needs of the household. And just look at Santa! He never even told the world that I make all the gifts that he proudly distributes and takes the credit.”

Mrs Claus had at last learnt it the hard way. She declared: “I want to be known as the oldest feminist icon, not as Santa’s wife anymore.”

Claus looked quiet and sullen, and finally threw away the eggnog and the bowl full of jelly. He left the room with the reindeers and elves staring as he left in search of the calendar that he secretly kept in one of the drawers away from Mrs Claus when he tumbled upon a needlework that Mrs Claus was working on. It said: “Why can’t a woman be given the chance to do the same work as a man?”